Sunday, 7 December 2008

Faking It

It promises to be a very different Christmas for us this year. As usual I am syphoning out the doom and gloom of the situation and gargling with it.

For a start, the unofficial weather prediction for Melbourne is fine and 30 degrees. Does that sound like Christmas to you? How does anyone have the energy to pull crackers and argue about politics in that kind of heat? Even more bizarre is the thought of putting up all the wintery Christmas cards and decorations - and then switching on the fan to cool the stifling air and watching them blow all over the bloody place.

More serious is the fact that I cannot find any clementines. Clementines always put me in the mood for Christmas. Watermelon just doesn't do the job. Even seedless, despite the obvious joy that brings.

I am insisting on a real tree, though The Australian tells me I must brace myself as it will not be what I'm used to. But there will be no turning on the fairy lights for the children when it goes dark in the late afternoon, or sitting around it with hot chocolates, counting the sleeps until Father Christmas comes down the chimney. We'll be too busy applying factor 60 and swatting mosquitoes. We could hold Christmas in the under-the-stairs cupboard, I suppose; it's pretty dark and cold in there.

The other problem is my legs. I always looked deathly pale during a British summer but at least they were mercifully short. My arms and chest go a funny sort of reddish colour overlaid with freckles which almost looks like a tan, but my legs will not budge. I don't think they contain any pigment. They are alarming. They've got to go.

I will be attempting to solve the hot Christmas / white legs issue with two purchases guaranteed to help me Fake It: 1. body lotion which claims to build up a gradual tan (so far my legs look a little jaundiced but we are only 3 days in, give them time); 2. about enough fake snow to fill a bath tub.

So where will you find me this Christmas? Yes, in the fake-snow-filled bath, admiring my yellowish legs, with the lights out.

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Keris said...

I have the same problem with my legs and fake tan doesn't even work! It's the bane of my life.

As un-Christmassy as that sounds, I think I'd still prefer it to the freezing rain we've been having. Would definitely miss clementines, though (actually, I wouldn't, but I would miss satsumas).

Mum'sTheWord said...

I am oddly pleased with the jaundiced legs - at least it is a change. Brown would be nice but I'll settle for buttercup.

Sapph said...

As someone who is very traditional about Christmas, I get apoplexy thinking of Christmas morning in the sun. But it does sound amazing, in a this-concerns-my-inner-Christmas-control-freak way.

Ross said...

At least your legs are mercifully short.

Mum'sTheWord said...

Hi Sapph. I think I'm traditional about some things (must have lots of red and green, none of this postmodern Xmas dec crap) but not others (I have no problem ditching the turkey this year).

Ross, spreading the joy as usual. Good on yer.

Ross said...

I think I misread that paragraph - it was the English summers that were mercifully short, not your legs. Man, I think I need glasses for Xmas...

Digger's Pal said...

What I'd give for a sunny and warm Christmas! It's dark, freezing and rainy here. Bah humbug.

From WantingtoEmigrate of Newquay.