Sunday, 8 February 2009

Auntie Em

Like any writer who is supposed to be working on her novel, I spend a lot of time analysing my blog stats (this activity comes under the General Procrastination category, along with cake-baking, deciding to sew a button on something you haven't worn in months, having to dash out to the bookshop for more "research", and staring out the window).

During the course of my analysis it has come to my notice that not everyone comes here to read my mundane ramblings. Some of you actually want advice on stuff. My stats reveal that folk have come here looking for words of wisdom on:

First date nerves
Viakal side effects
"What Not To Wear" (with particular reference to Ugg Boots)
Pineapple health risks

Because I'm a guilt-ridden ex-Catholic / first-born, I feel responsible and have therefore decided to impart ALL my wisdom in one handy post. For ONE DAY ONLY, consider me your agony aunt.

OK, here goes with the wisdom:

On First Date Nerves:
I was 13 when I went on my first date and experienced that longed-for first kiss. When I say "experienced", I mean that a tall, gangly Canadian with halitosis gave me the washing-machine treatment on a bench in Hampstead Heath. After that "kiss", my pre-date nerves seemed like a breeze compared to the thought of another "experience", so I invented a neat ploy to avoid a further spin cycle: I pretended to fall asleep. I pretended for a full ten minutes. I know it sounds preposterous for a healthy 13 year old to fake sleep in the middle of the day, but it worked. I made it off the bench and all the way home (I'd "woken up" for the journey back, obviously) unscathed.

Auntie Em Says: When in doubt, fake narcolepsy.

On Viakal Side Effects:
I've long since ditched Viakal. It was my Polish cleaner who insisted on it, and I was too scared - and too unPolish - to communicate my dislike of harsh chemicals to clean the house. I now use a mixture of eco-friendly stuff and 'not really looking that hard' to achieve a level of cleanliness I'm happy with. But I do have one piece of cleaning advice: never use a scourer to scrub your boyfriend's Lotus. No matter how dirty it seems.

Auntie Em Says: Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and I'm an atheist.

On Ugg boots:
The torment I've suffered at the hands of local school children has been well documented on this blog, but I've bravely continued to wear my Ugg boots in the street, cheering "I used to live in Kilburn! It's NORMAL there!" (Though admittedly most of the Kilburn residents are wearing those fake Uggs from Primark.) Galileo, John Logie Baird, the Wright Brothers - all were ridiculed and then vindicated. For us outdoor Ugg wearers, it is only a matter of time.

Auntie Em Says: When in doubt, say you're foreign.

On Pineapple Health Risks:
You may think you have no allergies. You may pride yourself on being able to ingest just about anything without fear of illness. Well, you may be wrong. Never, but never, eat half a pineapple, core and all, in one sitting. That is my final word.

Auntie Em Says: Half a pineapple today, huge mouth boils and a very sore tongue tomorrow.

Wisdom: imparted. I thank you.

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Luisa said...

Auntie Em, where were you when I needed you? I too have done the pineapple thing, after years of allergy-free existence. I had an overdue baby (and was obviously worried about the baby equivalent of library fines, or something) and someone told me it would "make things happen". Well, it made things happen all right.

Shudder. Never again.

The narcolepsy thing comes naturally to me, though.

This is all great advice, and people would do well to listen to it. Listen up, people!

RosyB said...

I think you should start a column.

Ok - advice for the day - where do I buy a pair of wellington boots? I never see them in shoe shops? What happened to the good old welly?

Emily Gale said...

Luisa, I wish I'd had the excuse of being 40+ weeks pregnant when I ate all the pineapple...I have been ridiculed for my gluttony, I tell ya!

Rosy, you're asking ME for advice on footwear? Ahh, but thanks, cos I miss hearing the words Wellington Boots (gumboots here). I had some bright novelty wellies when I was in London, but they didn't last very long (from somewhere like ShoesForYou or ShoeXpress or CheapoShoesThatWon'tLast).

CarolineG said...

LOL, Emily!!!

I loved this post.

Although you've actually made me quite scared of pineapples.

Anonymous said...

I've done scourer + Lotus damage too! But not on a Lotus. On a Peugeot 106, but it was just as devastating. Probably.