Thursday, 13 December 2007

Domestic Blisters, No.3

If I ever decide to do away with The Australian, I can guarantee that the murder weapon will be a tea towel, if only because it is very likely that there will be one to hand when I finally flip.

The humble tea towel has become a powerful symbol in this household.

When I was growing up, my parents were keen to explain the importance of eating 'appropriately', as in 'using the correct tools'. So from an early age I was taught how to use chopsticks, how to twirl spaghetti with a fork and spoon, which hand to eat curry with (though we were only allowed to do this when our friends from Karachi came to visit), and that you do not eat a hamburger with a knife and fork. Ever. Even if it's a gigantic stack and all the extra bits are squeezing out the sides. Even if you recently had your jaw wired and can only fit tiny morsels in your mouth. Even if you have a knife and a fork welded to your hands after some freak accident. But The Australian, well, he doesn't like to get his hands dirty, with, y'know, hamburger dirt. Five years of my derisive comments haven't swayed him. I've tried pointing it out to his mates in the hope that their ribbing would have an effect. Nothing. 'This is how I eat,' he says.

So, okay, I can live with the knife and fork on the burger. Just about. I've an open mind, I can compromise. But who the hell can't eat sandwiches and toast without a TEA TOWEL BY THEIR SIDE?

A chicken sandwich, say.

He takes a bite.

He wipes.

Picks the sandwich up, takes a bite . . .

Wipe.

Bite.

Wipe!

Bite.

And WIPE!

Is that another bite you're taking there?

Oh well it must be another wipe you're after!


Does that seem like a normal way to eat a chicken - or any - sandwich? Does that not suggest the mind of a man with something to hide? WHAT THE HELL IS HE WIPING? Huh?

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3 comments:

Ross said...

Hee hee. I do the same thing. I have a real 'thing' about having dirty hands. I hate gardening and have to wear gloves to do it and I never enjoyed doing pottery at school with the constant clay feeling. Bleah.

Nik's Blog said...

I have never done nor seen this. It sounds peculiar. But he must have his reasons. Have you tried it? You may be missing out.

Reminds me of that joke:

Ask: What's the most common owl in britain.

(Pause for people to think and frown and say something like 'Tawny'.)

Then say: Every house has got one.

(Pause for yet more thinking, frowning and owl species suggestions.)

Then say: The Teet.

Geddit?

N

kellieahl said...

Reading this very late (an attempt of a post-christmas catch-up-with-life)... but I am in tears laughing at this one!